I would like to share with you a Scripture passage that has come to mean a great deal to me in the past few years, but most especially recently. It is Proverbs 3:5 and 6. I memorized this passage many years ago. In the King James Version, it says:
When I was 13 years old my aunt gave me a copy of the Living Bible for my birthday. It was a modern English paraphrased translation. I started by reading the New Testament and suddenly the Bible came to life for me. From that time on, I was hooked: I loved to read the Bible and couldn’t seem to get enough.
God works in amazing and wondrous ways though. Although I may have abandoned him, he never abandoned me. By God’s grace, it was during this period of my life that I became a Catholic. (How that happened is another story!) It was also during this period that I met and married my wife, Espee. When we met, I already had two children, Chris and Julie; and Espee had two children as well, Marlo and Maeliz. By God’s grace (again!), we were able to be married in the Church, and before long we had two more children, Marty and Monica.
God answers prayer. That summer for our vacation we went to visit one of Espee’s sisters in Albany, New York. She invited us to go with her to the Friday night Catholic Charismatic prayer meeting with the Filipino community there. That night, as I listened to these Charismatic Catholics praising and worshiping God, for the first time in decades I remembered that joy I had felt on that other Friday night back in 1968 at Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church, when I was baptized with the Holy Spirit.
But although I felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to him, I resisted because I was not sure that I was really ready for this. Yet one afternoon later that same summer, in August 2002, sometime around 6:00 pm, I was in a hotel room in Denver, Colorado. I was working there on a project. I was getting ready to go out to dinner when suddenly I felt like praying. I lifted my eyes and my hands to God, and I let go of all my doubts and hesitations and said, “Lord, I give myself to you.”
An amazing thing happened then. Something warm and electric rushed to fill my whole body. I was immersed in this warmth. I raised my hands as high as they would go, and for the first time in 30 years, I began speaking in tongues. I cried for joy.
A key part of Marianist spirituality is to become more like Jesus by growing in his virtues. Four of these virtues are “Silence of the Mind”, “Imagination”, “Obedience”, and “Detachment from the World”. I am going to come back to these virtues in a little bit, but first I have to tell you what happened to Espee and me that made them so important.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Growing Up
When I was just a small boy growing up in Seattle, my parents – especially my mother – taught me about Jesus and I developed some basic idea of what it meant to trust in the Lord. Because my parents were Southern Baptists, I was not baptized until then, when I was six years old. In the years that followed, I grew up pretty much like any other boy in a poor working class family.When I was 13 years old my aunt gave me a copy of the Living Bible for my birthday. It was a modern English paraphrased translation. I started by reading the New Testament and suddenly the Bible came to life for me. From that time on, I was hooked: I loved to read the Bible and couldn’t seem to get enough.
Encounter with the Holy Spirit
Two years later in 1968, when I was 15 years old, I had a dramatic encounter with the Holy Spirit. It happened one Friday night at, of all places, St Luke’s Episcopal Church in Seattle where there was an Episcopal priest named Dennis Bennett who was teaching his parish about an experience he called “being baptized with the Holy Spirit” and experiencing spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues, prophecy, and healing. That night, several people prayed over me to experience this encounter with the Holy Spirit. No one was more surprised than me when I suddenly began speaking in tongues. It seemed as if the Holy Spirit had suddenly flooded me with himself. I was electrified.Lost at Sea
I remained a fervent young Charismatic Christian all throughout high school and into my first two years of college. But in my third year of college, I became distracted by many things and gradually over a period of time my faith darkened and cooled. By the time I finished college and started graduate school, I was no longer sure what I believed, and I began to wonder if I even really believed in God. I entered a decades-long period of being a nominal Christian at best and often not even that. I was in a spiritual sense lost at sea.God works in amazing and wondrous ways though. Although I may have abandoned him, he never abandoned me. By God’s grace, it was during this period of my life that I became a Catholic. (How that happened is another story!) It was also during this period that I met and married my wife, Espee. When we met, I already had two children, Chris and Julie; and Espee had two children as well, Marlo and Maeliz. By God’s grace (again!), we were able to be married in the Church, and before long we had two more children, Marty and Monica.
Help My Unbelief
As time passed, Marty and Monica began to attend Saint Monica’s Catholic School. They would come home talking about what they were learning, and sometimes talked about Jesus and Mary. Each time they spoke about these things, something moved within my heart. One day in the winter of 2002, I can remember vividly standing in the family room of our home and telling God, “Lord, I want to believe, but I can’t seem to. If you are there, please help me.”God answers prayer. That summer for our vacation we went to visit one of Espee’s sisters in Albany, New York. She invited us to go with her to the Friday night Catholic Charismatic prayer meeting with the Filipino community there. That night, as I listened to these Charismatic Catholics praising and worshiping God, for the first time in decades I remembered that joy I had felt on that other Friday night back in 1968 at Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church, when I was baptized with the Holy Spirit.
But although I felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to him, I resisted because I was not sure that I was really ready for this. Yet one afternoon later that same summer, in August 2002, sometime around 6:00 pm, I was in a hotel room in Denver, Colorado. I was working there on a project. I was getting ready to go out to dinner when suddenly I felt like praying. I lifted my eyes and my hands to God, and I let go of all my doubts and hesitations and said, “Lord, I give myself to you.”
An amazing thing happened then. Something warm and electric rushed to fill my whole body. I was immersed in this warmth. I raised my hands as high as they would go, and for the first time in 30 years, I began speaking in tongues. I cried for joy.
The Beloved Disciple
After I got home, I told Espee that I wanted to find a Catholic religious community that we could be a part of, something like the Franciscans or the Benedictines. We looked around and eventually, again by God’s grace, we discovered the Companions of the Beloved Disciple. The Companions are a community of lay men and women affiliated with the Brothers of the Beloved Disciple, a Marianist religious community of brothers and priests who are active in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal.A key part of Marianist spirituality is to become more like Jesus by growing in his virtues. Four of these virtues are “Silence of the Mind”, “Imagination”, “Obedience”, and “Detachment from the World”. I am going to come back to these virtues in a little bit, but first I have to tell you what happened to Espee and me that made them so important.
Our World Crashes Down
There is something that I skipped over until now. It happened a few months before Espee and I joined the Companions of the Beloved Disciple. I was on the road, working on a project in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It was Thursday, March 25, 2004. I flew home that evening and my plane landed around 11:00 pm. I got home about 11:30 pm.I Lost Her
Espee was outside on the front porch of the house, collapsed onto her knees, convulsing in tears. Getting out of the car, I ran to her. “I lost her,” she screamed. “I lost Malloy!”
“Malloy” was our nickname for Espee’s oldest daughter, Marlo. As I was soon to learn, Marlo had died that day in a car crash at about 2:30 in the morning, both she and her boyfriend, and their unborn child. The three of them flew into eternity together.
It had taken the police the entire day to find out that we were her parents and where we lived. Espee had learned of her death just moments before I arrived home. Marlo was nine months pregnant when she died. It was about three weeks before her 20th birthday.
The next two years were difficult, as you can imagine. But the Holy Spirit was with us and guided us through one of the two most difficult periods of our lives. As time went by, we were able to accept Marlo’s death, and the deaths of the two souls who went with her. Through the Companions we learned how to listen to the Holy Spirit, and we made the Lord the center of our lives. About a year later, the Lord called us to start a Bible Study in our home.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw Monica. Exactly what happened after that is too painful for me to recount to you. I will just tell you that she couldn’t breathe. I tried to save her. Espee called 911. The paramedics came, they tried to save her, and they called in the AirLife helicopter to fly her to Methodist Children’s Hospital. People started arriving for our Bible Study.
As the ambulance drove off, and as more people came, we gathered in our living room and prayed. As we prayed, we heard the AirLife helicopter take off, and at that moment I felt a burst of hope that Monica was going to survive.
I haven’t told you what caused Monica’s death, and the reason is that I don’t know. The doctors were unable to find the cause. What I do know is this: Monica went to heaven when she was ten years old.
When we trust Jesus, when we lay everything including the past at his feet, those mental daggers that cut and torment us fall away in silence. In the quiet, we can begin to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to us.
Although God knows the future, for us it exists only in our imaginations. So fear of the future is really fear of what we imagine the future holds. But just as the past belongs to Jesus, so does the future. In the Gospels, Jesus called us not to worry about the future but rather to trust in him. He said:
I wanted to obey God, but how could I know what God’s will was? Have you ever had the experience of looking for something such as your keys, only to find that you had them in your pocket all the time? Well, in a way, God’s will is like that. We have the means to know God’s will already, but sometimes we just don’t realize it!
You see God reveals his will to us in many ways, but especially through those people with whom we are united in a covenant community. Perhaps the most important covenant in my life (besides the New Covenant of Jesus Christ!), is my covenant relationship with my wife Espee. Of course you remember Jesus’ words:
So obedience, in part, means being open to God’s will as he reveals it to us through our Christian wives or husbands. But God speaks to us through other covenant communities as well. Saint Peter wrote:
I have learned that God speaks to me through the various Catholic communities to which Espee and I have belonged: the ACTS community, the Knights of Columbus, our Parish, and the Companions of the Beloved Disciple.
But community is not the only way that God reveals his will to us. Proverbs 3:5 and 6, the passage that I quoted earlier, shows us that if we trust God, he will direct our paths! Things will happen. Doors will open, and other doors will close.
It was meditating upon this Scripture that allowed me to discover God’s will about whether I should keep traveling or transfer to a work-from-home position. I realized that God had given me my job, and that he had made me in such a way that I am good at it. The Lord showed me that he sends me on the road for a purpose. In each place I go, he brings people to me whom I would otherwise have never met.
But remember that Espee and I are one flesh: if God is showing this to me, then he must be showing it to Espee too. So I talked to her about it, and she confirmed that the Lord had been showing her the same thing.
Espee and I have realized that the things we used to think are so important really are not. So we have begun to simplify our lives, to let go of some of our possessions, and to give more to the Church and to those in need.
We may not know what God’s purpose is for us in our life. He doesn’t ask us to know. He asks us only to obey.
I would like to close by quoting from another part of Cardinal Newman’s meditation. He wrote:
“Malloy” was our nickname for Espee’s oldest daughter, Marlo. As I was soon to learn, Marlo had died that day in a car crash at about 2:30 in the morning, both she and her boyfriend, and their unborn child. The three of them flew into eternity together.
It had taken the police the entire day to find out that we were her parents and where we lived. Espee had learned of her death just moments before I arrived home. Marlo was nine months pregnant when she died. It was about three weeks before her 20th birthday.
The next two years were difficult, as you can imagine. But the Holy Spirit was with us and guided us through one of the two most difficult periods of our lives. As time went by, we were able to accept Marlo’s death, and the deaths of the two souls who went with her. Through the Companions we learned how to listen to the Holy Spirit, and we made the Lord the center of our lives. About a year later, the Lord called us to start a Bible Study in our home.
Monica
It was a warm Friday evening in June, less than 30 minutes before people would start arriving for our home Bible Study. I had been busy the whole day. Besides preparing for the Bible Study, I had been working that day with the staff at Santo Nino Catholic Church to get their new website up and running. Espee had been cooking all day, preparing the food that we would share with our Bible Study group. Espee was now in the shower, Marty was in his room playing with his computer, and I thought Monica was playing somewhere in the house. So I went downstairs to get things ready for the Bible Study. I still needed to select the music for the songs that we would sing.When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw Monica. Exactly what happened after that is too painful for me to recount to you. I will just tell you that she couldn’t breathe. I tried to save her. Espee called 911. The paramedics came, they tried to save her, and they called in the AirLife helicopter to fly her to Methodist Children’s Hospital. People started arriving for our Bible Study.
As the ambulance drove off, and as more people came, we gathered in our living room and prayed. As we prayed, we heard the AirLife helicopter take off, and at that moment I felt a burst of hope that Monica was going to survive.
Gone to Heaven
Noel Hamilton and Sylvia Gonzalez drove Espee and me to the hospital. During the long drive, I kept thinking that there was still hope. When we arrived, we were greeted first by a Catholic chaplain, and both Espee and I knew at that moment that Monica was gone. Shortly thereafter, a doctor and a nurse came in to tell us what we already knew but couldn’t believe. The words suddenly made it real, and the world crashed down around us.I haven’t told you what caused Monica’s death, and the reason is that I don’t know. The doctors were unable to find the cause. What I do know is this: Monica went to heaven when she was ten years old.
The Marian Virtues
There are no words that can convey to you how hard it was (and is) to bear Monica’s death. In the early weeks that followed, I wanted to die too, and I know that Espee felt the same way. There were times when I thought that I might go crazy. But little by little God brought us through. And those four virtues that I mentioned earlier – Silence of the Mind, Imagination, Obedience, and Detachment from the World – played a big part.Silence of the Mind
I will begin with Silence of the Mind. Losing Monica left me not only with grief at having lost her, but also with anguish over questions that can never be answered: “What if I had done this?” or “If only I had done that.” And there were painful regrets over the times that she asked me for something and I told her “later”, or “next week”, or “next summer”. And there were all the things that we were planning to do together but somehow never did. “Silence of the Mind” is the virtue of letting go of these regrets and of all the other things in the past that can torment us. It is giving the past to Jesus. Remember when he said, “Let not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me.” (John 14:1)When we trust Jesus, when we lay everything including the past at his feet, those mental daggers that cut and torment us fall away in silence. In the quiet, we can begin to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to us.
Imagination
When our minds achieve this silence, we face yet another challenge: our imagination. Right after Monica’s death, the future seemed unbearable. How could we continue living in the same house? How could I go back to a job that requires me to be on the road almost every week? What was going to happen to Marty? How would seeing his sister die affect him?Although God knows the future, for us it exists only in our imaginations. So fear of the future is really fear of what we imagine the future holds. But just as the past belongs to Jesus, so does the future. In the Gospels, Jesus called us not to worry about the future but rather to trust in him. He said:
Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness… Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. (Matthew 6:33-34)Of course this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan for the future! Rather, it means only that we shouldn’t let fear of the future guide us. James said that we should plan, but that in so doing we should give our futures to the Lord. He wrote:
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit” – you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” (James 4:13-15)This realization has helped me to put things in perspective, to realize that Jesus transforms the future just as he transforms the past. He transforms even death. Jesus in his earthly life faced the Crucifixion and conquered death! So we can relax and leave the future to Jesus, knowing that he will be with us always, come what may, even to the end of the world. (Matthew 28:20)
Obedience
Once we know that Jesus transforms our future, it is easy for us to trust him and to obey him. This realization was important for me because, in the aftermath of Monica’s death, I wanted to make some big changes in my life. For example, I didn’t want to travel in my job any more. My boss told me that I could transfer to another department where I could work from home, if that is what I wanted to do. But as I thought about this and other choices, and as I was able to get beyond the shock of Monica’s death, I realized that I really didn’t know what God wanted me to do.I wanted to obey God, but how could I know what God’s will was? Have you ever had the experience of looking for something such as your keys, only to find that you had them in your pocket all the time? Well, in a way, God’s will is like that. We have the means to know God’s will already, but sometimes we just don’t realize it!
You see God reveals his will to us in many ways, but especially through those people with whom we are united in a covenant community. Perhaps the most important covenant in my life (besides the New Covenant of Jesus Christ!), is my covenant relationship with my wife Espee. Of course you remember Jesus’ words:
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife…’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. (Matthew 19:5-6)Now think about it. If Espee and I are one flesh, then whatever God’s will is for me must also be his will for Espee. It is just logical. So if I think that God has revealed something to be his will for me but Espee disagrees, then either I am wrong, or God just hasn’t gotten around to telling Espee yet!
So obedience, in part, means being open to God’s will as he reveals it to us through our Christian wives or husbands. But God speaks to us through other covenant communities as well. Saint Peter wrote:
Be subject to the presbyters. And all of you, clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another. (1 Peter 5:5)The King James translation of this passage says: “All of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility.”
I have learned that God speaks to me through the various Catholic communities to which Espee and I have belonged: the ACTS community, the Knights of Columbus, our Parish, and the Companions of the Beloved Disciple.
But community is not the only way that God reveals his will to us. Proverbs 3:5 and 6, the passage that I quoted earlier, shows us that if we trust God, he will direct our paths! Things will happen. Doors will open, and other doors will close.
It was meditating upon this Scripture that allowed me to discover God’s will about whether I should keep traveling or transfer to a work-from-home position. I realized that God had given me my job, and that he had made me in such a way that I am good at it. The Lord showed me that he sends me on the road for a purpose. In each place I go, he brings people to me whom I would otherwise have never met.
But remember that Espee and I are one flesh: if God is showing this to me, then he must be showing it to Espee too. So I talked to her about it, and she confirmed that the Lord had been showing her the same thing.
Detachment from the World
So God gave me my job. It is part of my vocation, and he expects me to do it to the best of my ability. The danger of success in our work, though, is that we may begin to become attached to the things that success can bring, such as career advancement and more money, a beautiful home, a fancier car, fine clothes, the latest electronic gadgets, or luxurious furniture. These are simply temptations that the world throws at us hoping that we will forget about God. The Devil might not mind so much that I am a Christian if he can get me to become preoccupied with worldly success. Jesus talked about this very thing in the Parable of the Sower when he said:As for the seed that fell among thorns, they are the ones who have heard [the Word of God], but as they go along, they are choked by the anxieties and riches and pleasures of life. (Luke 8:14)That is why Jesus called us to detach ourselves from the world when he said:
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be. (Matthew 6:19-20)Obviously, detachment from the world does not mean that God wants all of us to make ourselves poor. Although he does ask some of us to do this, if everyone were poor, then who would there be to feed the poor? So that can’t be. What he does ask is that if we have wealth, we should not use it for ourselves but rather use it to help others.
Espee and I have realized that the things we used to think are so important really are not. So we have begun to simplify our lives, to let go of some of our possessions, and to give more to the Church and to those in need.
Conclusion
You may know of John Henry Cardinal Newman’s meditation that begins: “God has created me to do him some definite service.” In the years since Monica died, the meaning of that line at the end of the prayer has become so clear to me: “I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it, if I do but keep his commandments and serve him in my calling.”We may not know what God’s purpose is for us in our life. He doesn’t ask us to know. He asks us only to obey.
I would like to close by quoting from another part of Cardinal Newman’s meditation. He wrote:
Therefore, I will trust him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what he is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide the future from me; still, he knows what he is about.
No comments:
Post a Comment